Cason Crew

September 17, 2014

What If?

I've written on my blog a lot about how much fear I have now that I have kids. Until you have kids you can't really understand the type of worries and fears you suddenly have. There are times when I am literally frozen in fear of the "what if's". I can make myself sick with anxiety thinking about all the terrible things that could happen to my family.

For the past few years I feel like I have been stuck in a rut with my walk with God because of my fear of the "What if's?" As a Christian I know that I'm not supposed to worry. I know that God is in control and that everything is for a reason. But even knowing this doesn't always help. In fact, some times I feel like knowing this makes things worse. 
 I want so badly to be close to God. I want to be in a deep and intimate relationship with Him. I've been closer to God than I am now and I want that...and even closer than before. But I always have this same thought in the back of my mind and I can't seem to shake it. I know that God works through people's struggles. I have seen so many friends that have gone through intensely painful things only to find themselves closer to God than ever before. I am fully aware that God uses trials to strengthen us. And I guess knowing that I fear that as I get closer to God then I will be tried and tested to see if my faith is true. And for me the way I feel like I would be tested the most is for something to happen to my family for me to have to trust God. Does this make sense at all? 

My fear is always that if I truly commit myself to growing insanely close to God then I'll have to just let go of this fear and trust that even if something did happen to my family that God would be in control. And I don't want to! Not that I don't want to grow closer to God and not that I don't want to let go of the fear...I just don't want to have to go through the difficult times to make me stronger in the Lord. I just want to be closer to God without any pain. Does anyone really want pain? I honestly don't even like talking about this because I always worry that it's going to come back and bite me in the rear. But I'm tired of this fear. And I feel like God is trying to work through me to help me. 
So Sunday morning during church as I was singing I had this random thought. I can only expect that it came from the Holy Spirit because it was so random. I think the song might have been about singing praises to God for "ten thousand years and forever more" or something but honestly I don't remember it at all. But all of a sudden I had this random thought come to my mind, "What is the most terrible thing that could happen to you right now?" And of course my first thing I thought of was loosing my family through death. It is literally my worst fear. But then the very next thought was, "Then what if that happened? Would I still be God?" 
I know as a Christian this is not a profound thought. I know God is God and always will be no matter what. But it was the first time in awhile that I really stopped and thought that if something terrible truly happened to me would I still be able to believe that God is good and that I could still go on. It's tough to answer because right now I'd say there would be no way I could handle loosing my children. But I think the point is not for me to be paralyzed in fear worrying about what could happened when I'm not guaranteed tomorrow. And no matter what does happen life is really all about death anyways. Our life is so temporary but we will be praising God for "ten thousand years and forever more". And if God chose to take away everything I have it would miserable. I would be devastated. But then I would live this life glorifying him and know that I have an eternity with Him that is far greater than any blessing I could ever have on this earth. 

I'm not over this fear. No where close. But I feel like God is working in me. I've poured my heart out to some close friends that I respect spiritually, I'm doing a bible study that at times feels like it was written just for me, (Beth Moore's Children of the Day) and I have sensed God speaking to me in other ways. God is working and that is exciting. And this may just always be that thing that keeps me humbled and trusting in God. But I felt like I should share this so that maybe it would help me process it all. And maybe, just maybe, it might encourage someone else out there that is dealing with the same thing. 

Random Side Note::
Drew would like for me to mention that these pictures are not the greatest. He was playing with some lights and ended up not really liking the outcome. However, I thought they were pretty cute and decided to use them anyways.

Completely in Love

I seriously can't get enough of my girls. They adore each other more than I ever could have imagined they would. When I was pregnant I hoped they would love each other. I expected that for awhile Presley would maybe just tolerate the baby but then she would get annoyed by her and move on to bigger and better things. I can honestly say that she absolutely adores her baby sister. She is so sweet to her. She is always worried about her and makes sure she is ok. There are so many times when she will just randomly tell Reese, "I love you" and it melts my heart. Reese thinks Presley is the coolest person ever and will light up every time she is near. If Reese is upset then all we have to do is get Presley in front of her and she is calm. I love the way they love each other and I pray they always love each other this much...even in the midst of the fights that I know are inevitable! 

September 10, 2014

"When I was a Wittle Baby!"

I hear that phrase about a hundred times a day from Presley, "When I was a wittle baby". So often we will tell her about things we are doing with Reese that she used to do as a baby. And I think she understands that. But then there are times she makes no sense at all and it's hilarious. For instance she might say, "When I was a wittle I will mommy's clothes when I get bigger" Um...what? Who know's what goes through her mind sometimes. 

 We also hear, "But that's ok" a ton. She is a super dramatic little girl and comes by it naturally. So I can completely relate when she gets upset over little things. So I'm trying to teach her how to handle her feelings a little better. I find that I'll tell her a lot, "But that's ok". I'm glad to know she is listening because she will repeat that to me a lot. And most of the time she gets it. She'll spill a little juice and tell me that it's ok. And it is. And I'm proud of her at that moment. But then she'll always tell, "But that's ok I can eat some ice cream" Again, um....what? Silly girl.
Reese is CRAWLING all over the place. Like a legit hands and feet crawl. She's not even 5 1/2 months old and she is moving all around. And the scary thing is that she is trying to pull up on everything and is not content to just sit. I guess she has some great motivation from watching her sister. 

September 1, 2014

"Nana Nana Booboo"

A few days ago Reese learned how to stick out her tongue and it has been our source of entertainment. It's the funniest thing. She'll just randomly stick it out at times but then other times you can ask her to, "show me your tongue" and she will. So I'm not sure if she understands us or not but it's pretty great. 
 It has, however, made eating quite difficult. She was doing so well for a few days at actually opening her mouth and eating from the spoon. But once she learned how to stick out her tongue that is all she wants to do. So I put in the spoon with food and she just sticks her tongue, and food, right now. Great!

August 26, 2014

"What we gonna do after this?"

I hear that question at least a hundred times a day from Presley. "Mommy, what we gonna do after that?" I'm not sure if my type A personalty has rubbed off on her or she is just naturally a planner, but she is always curious what the plan is. I try to keep her informed, but at the same time I am trying to teach her a little spontaneity. I understand what it's like to want to know what's going on, but I also don't want her to always worry about the next thing. It's a tough thing to teach when I am just as curious what we're going to next too. 
Reese is ALL OVER THE PLACE now. She is technically crawling just not the "traditional" way where you use your feet AND hands. She's more of a crawl and hop type of girl. She can get around anywhere she wants. It's crazy how fast and efficient she is even though she's not using her hands yet. There are times when I think she might just stand up and walk before she actually starts crawling. She'll put her feet and hands flat on the ground and stick her booty straight up in the air. It's crazy. She's growing up too fast!
We put Reese in her crib all night for the first time last night. The only reason she hasn't been in there yet is because I've been afraid she was going to wake up her sister. But after seeing how soundly Presley can sleep when Reese is crying I'm pretty sure we are ok. So now both girls are in their own rooms all night long and it's so strange. Time MUST slow down.

August 21, 2014

Reese is 5 Months

This month has flown by. I know I say that for every month but this month has for real. I think we've just been so busy. This has been a huge month for Reese. She is sitting up, trying to crawl, rolling over, moving around, eating foods...she is growing up too fast. She is truly the sweetest and happiest little girl. She is constantly smiling and laughing. I truly can't imagine life without her. She makes life even more fun than before. 
-She weighs about 17 lbs and is probably 27 inches long.
-She is wearing size 3 diapers.
-She is still wearing lots of 3 month onesies. (surprisingly) But most of her clothes are 3-6 months.
-She is drinking about 4 bottles a day. Each are about 6 oz.
-She drinks a bottle in the morning, around 11:30 (with rice cereal too), around 4:30 and right before bed.
-She eats about a tablespoon of rice cereal once a day. I've mixed in some peas a few times but not always. I'll start more foods this next month.
-She sleeps great! I just feel like I always want to say that because I don't want to take it for granted that our babies sleep.
-Reese takes 2 naps a day. They are only about 1.5 hours each. Morning nap around 9 and afternoon nap around 2. Some late afternoon naps around 6.
-She goes to bed around 8:30 and wakes up around 6:30.
-She still sleeps in our pack n' play at night but in her crib for every nap. I am getting closer to putting her in her crib full time. I'm just worried she will wake up big sister earlier in the morning if we do.
-She sleeps on her belly but will always wake herself up in the morning by rolling over.
-She loves to listen to white noise and be patted on her back to help her fall asleep.
-She has started to suck on her thumb more, but it's not constant.
-She has two teeth! Her bottom right tooth finally broke through and her bottom left just cut through this week.
-She is sitting up really well.
-She is up on all fours and rocking back and forth. Might not be long until she's mobile.
-She rolls over from her belly to her back now.
-She is constantly grabbing toys. (Presley's toys too)
-She loves to sit in her high chair during dinner time.
-She's starting playing in her little walker and does really well.

August 20, 2014

My Girls

Drew is in the process of making a prospective client magazine. He needed a picture of his favorite people. So here are a few shots with my favorite people too! I had to add a few of our "bloopers" too because those are my favorites. Presley was bribed to smile with a sucker. Reese was WAY more interested in our animals. It was fun. I'm always happy when we get just one good shot.